Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Sing it, Dr. King!

 
Right on! Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is great not just because it turns Sunday night into second Saturday, but also because it offers a chance to reflect on hard-won rights.

It's also a day to think about the fights that still need to be fought (right, LGBT friends?).

In regards to marriage and civil union rights for ALL citizens, my very wise friend Kate T. said it well:

"The question remains, however, why the government should have any role in people's relationships.
Why do I need a piece of paper essentially promising that I sleep with someone to grant me a tax break or rights to their insurance? How in any way does that make sense?

What exactly are we trying to measure with marriages or civil unions? Commitment? Love? Fidelity? Are these things that a) can be measured and b) can be measured by participating in a government institution? 50% of divorced Americans would probably say no.

Marriage and commitment is an important part of huge percentage of the population's religion, culture and/or individual values. I support all of those people. I just don't understand why the government gets involved in things that are religious, cultural or relate to individual values.

Civil unions may be a step in the right direction, but the problem that remains is one of scope: these unions cannot begin to address the myriad types of significant relationships in people's lives.

If I live with the same people for five years, we can't all go down to city hall and apply for an 'urban family union' license. And yet these bonds - often as profound and enduring as romantic love - do not afford the same entitlements.

And that's just a 'for instance'. We live in an age where the nuclear family is increasingly becoming obsolete. Families take all shapes and forms, and frankly it's none of the government's business what that shape and form is. What we really need is an examination of, a discussion of and a complete and total overhaul of relationship-based government entitlements structures."

Lady, those are most definitely auto-tune worthy words! Sing it girl.

Ads From a Simpler Time

And by simple I mean dumb.










Sunday, January 16, 2011

Good Clean Fun: Hairless Pussy Rub

 

I bet that gave him a rash.

Wait, where have I seen that little nugget before? Oh yeah:

 

Fucking Gremlins! That movie scared the shit out of me when I was little! So did "It" and "Cat's Eye." So uh, thanks for ruining my childhood, Steven Spielberg and Stephen King.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Sorry Your New Zodic Sign Has Rendered Your Tattoo Meaningless



I'm liking the extensive coverage of how the zodiac shift has problematized astrological tattoos. That's maybe the funniest fallout, aside from the viral freak outs.

You know why tattoos are funny? Because they're permanent, and most other things aren't.

Here are some other radtats I came across:








Okay, so the last one isn't a tat. Let's call it a stencil.

If you know anyone suffering from this flavor of douchebaggery, please forward the appropriate sympathy card.

Frayser Ladies... you ARE the mothers of these 90 babies!

 

Maury Povich just came a little, and screamed like Ned Flanders over purple drapes, because he now gets to (presumably) reveal the results of 90 paternity tests. Now, I'm not saying that every pregnant Frayser High School girl will need one, but Maury could really use some good programming these days. It is the season of giving after all. Pay it forward, baby mommas!


P.S. Here's another clip of Maury losing his shit when a sad lady wearing a choker necklace reveals how big of a Creep her baby daddy is. Kinda looks like Schwarzenegger in pain from Total Recall, no? Jump to 2:35 to see what I mean.


Thursday, January 13, 2011

Note to Future Husband... Paul Rudd: Be Him


Great website handing out sage advice for a gal's future husband. There are many, many Keepers. Like the one about Paul Rudd. That's right husbands. Be him.

This blog is also pretty funny.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Simmer Down, SuperFan!


Oh Cathy Ward, you're probably going to regret this. To celebrate a weight loss that allowed her to drop 14 dress sizes, the 49-year-old British memaw decided to go ahead and cover her slimmed-down skin suit with her fav forever young fantasy friends. Kudos on the £2,000, twenty-two hour neck-to-coin slot commitment, lady! That's some money and time well spent, though I'm a bit disappointed she didn't go with one of these instead. Here's hoping the franchise at least comps her a pair of tix to the latest film!

Next up for Cathy? Full sleeves and Robert Pattinson/Edward Cullen on her gut, the latter of which is contingent on her toning up a bit. I hope she incorporates the belly button effectively. Pursed lips maybe? A winking eye? Picture this, minus the bacne, plus a button:


Also, you know what would be really funny (for us)? If she gained back all of the weight so we could see what RPatz and KStew would look like with extremely bloated bodies. It'll be like a Twilight Botero!

Family Guy, Shmamily Shmy


I heart you Seth MacFarlane. The Conrad Birdie nod at the end is inspired, amongst other moments. Funny fucking episode! Check it ouuut.

:D

You can also watch the episode here:

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Honk If You're Hungry


The small town of Hudson, Michigan must feel uncomfortably intimate these days (chaffingly so, if you will) for city manager Steve Hartsel. The civil servant recently admitted to on-the-job indecent exposure for jacking it while driving a city vehicle in broad daylight.

On the afternoon of December 22, 2010, a woman witnessed a man masturbating in a minivan adjacent to her while they were both stopped at a red light.

Identifying Hartsel from a lineup would have been unlikely, since his face, unlike his genitals, was partially obscured from view. As luck would have it though, the stick-shifter's City of Hudson municipal license plate was clearly visible at the rear of his shaggin' wagon as he sped off.

Wruh Wroh! Miscalculation or cry for attention?

When officials linked him to the vehicle and questioned him regarding his involvement, Hartsel initially denied the allegations, telling police that the woman must have seen a submarine sandwich in his lap.

HA! That's your alibi?! You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate a whole wheel of cheese? I'm not even mad, I'm kind of impressed.

Hartsel eventually admitted to police, “She saw what she said she saw,” apologized for his actions and swore off all future road-pleasure.

Lucky for this showboating gent, no charges have been filed as of yet, though his actions are slated for review at the next City Council meeting scheduled for January 18th. I really hope somebody YouTubes that shite!

Oh, also, Hartsel is a retired U.S. Navy commander who concluded his 21-year Navy career in 2009, so we should probably cut him some slack. Too much time around submarines, I guess.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Does He Cook?

Painting by Ginger James


Online dating is more a source of great entertainment than great relationship discovery. All you do is slap your best (photoshopped) picture up on a purposefully brief, 'intriguing' profile and voila! Men flock to flirt with you as you sit home in your pajamas without so much as brushing your teeth.  

Here's an unedited message I received the other day from a Keeper with the right approach: 

"so this is different, but would you ever have any interest in using a guy as a part time bitch sometime to do chores, errands, foot massages, mani/pedicures, or anything at all you wanted?"

Probably should have taken him up on that.

I bet he posted the same ad on Craigslist. Check out this gem while you're at it.

Verbal Vomit Experimento


I checked out a couple of this dude's other videos, and they were more annoying than funny.

This one introduces us to a novel way of fucking with strangers though, if you're a Creeper. I'm kind of surprised he didn't get punched out (or maced).

Rabble, rabble, purple monkey dishwasher.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Wruh Wroh! Japanese Marathon Fail


Hahaa! Yeah, that sucks. To be fair, I probably would have made that same mistake. I'll make sure never to try to win a marathon in that case, cause I really don't want to deal with that kind of disappointment.

Oh well. Shit happens.

Here's another guy who just felt like runnin':

Blonde Ambition


Ohh boy. Check out baby Madge featured in a recent Toddlers & Tiaras episode. Glad this 2-year-old's parents didn't sink to playing Like a Virgin to back up their  working girl  daughter.

The dad/seamstress reminds me of Eric Stonestreet (Cam) from Modern Family.


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Lipstick On a Pig


Oh Patti, you did it again. How do you find these winners?


Robin Kassner, like  most  all people, deserves to find compatible love. Unfortunately, she's barking up the wrong tall, uninterested tree this week on The Millionaire Matchmaker. Lady's cougin' hardcore, offering up a big one-two Maserati-Ducati combo in exchange for some knowingly forced attention-affection. 

Keep those showers running people. It's about time to wash away the ICK again.

Sads. Grow up babylady! No quality person is going to say hello to that kitty the way you're acting.


The episode can also be purchased through Amazon.com via the following link: 

Mugshot Love Chillun


Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, it's baby makin' time at the Gainesville city jail. As a waste of both my time and yours, I figured out what the offspring of these orange hot lovers will look like:

"Yes, but I wanted to do hood rat stuff with mah friend"


This one is from a few years back, though I can't help but post it. He's like the love child of Eric Cartman and George Foreman. You best be grillin' me some sammiches, bitch. Who ate all mah pie?

You mind your Memaw now, Latarian Milton. Don't be a menace to society while drinking your juice in the hood.


These single babies also seem like they might want to do some hood rat stuff with their friends some day. Watch out pepaws, girls got moves!






Apparently that last dance was choreographed for Creepers.

You got a little schmutz on that face for radio, Ted Williams


I bet this guy was the life of some kick-ass barrel fires!

Seriously though, I hope 2011 is good to Ted Williams. I'm happy that his video is going viral, his sign was way too small.

UPDATE:  Ted's in high demand! The NFL, amongst other organizations, is currently scouting the homeless hero.