Negative, I am a meat popsicle.

 

Happy Easter (if you celebrate that kind of thang, and if not, just imbibe your choice upper or downer and enjoy the trippy sight of adults and children dressed as giant rabbits searching for the chocolate-filled offspring of flightless birds. I really hope that if intelligent extraterrestrial life ever visits earth that they choose a day like this. It would make for so many great, "It's not what it looks like" moments... you know, like that time that David Carradine accidentally asphyxiated himself in a Thai hotel... too soon? Meh, sorry.).

I imagine the alien-human interaction would sound something like this:

And I don't know about you, but the image of someone in a 'Furry' costume is for me permanently associated with the community of folks who like to dress up and "chill, eat and do fun things together" (i.e. do each other while sweating profusely under their polyester alter egos). Everyday is Easter for some super friends!

I'm sure "Bebop Avant" is having all sorts of fun. Come to think of it, I have a feeling Lisa Frank was probably into this kind of shit as well...

Exhibit A: 

[image via creepylisafrank.tumblr.com]

Exhibit B:

Onceuponawin.com? I guess Charlie Sheen is also into Lisa Frank. By my infallible 'all weebles are wobbles' logic, that also means that Charlie Sheen is into Furries, which, considering the source, isn't actually that hard to believe. Tiger blood parties? You dress as a tiger and/or cover your naked body in lines of coke arranged like tiger stripes and let guests go to town - your call.


Alright, so this post is officially more fucked up and loosely bound than I intended, and I have real things I need to attend to, so... sorry for ruining your holiday with images of giant fornicating nerdrabbits and Lisa Frank inspired coke orgies!

Don't hate the messenger, these things are natural and beautiful...  I think (actually, no, they're probably not).

I'm back bitches!!

Hey dudes! I'm back.

I know you were holding your breath for some time. So, sorry... but not really, 'cause I had a lot of other shit going on and so did you.

Alright, let's see what's in CreeperSanta's grab bag for you today:

A solid blind date story for starters! This one involves entering and winning a contest for the prizes (great head-to-toe makeover and dinner/drinks on Valentines day). I tried to get 'randomly' matched with my gay best friend (to no avail), but instead ended up getting paired with a dude who turned out to be very nice and chivalrous, and more a self-proclaimed "Chatty Kathy" than the Craiglist Killer - as mom so optimistically predicted he may turn out to be.

The second dinner, however, was when the real fun started. That's when, oh let's call him Andy, began to ceaselessly reference his co-workers anal play.

You heard me.

For a solid hour, Ol' Chatty Andy here decides to regale me with the second-hand account of his colleague's full-fist encounter! Naturally I couldn't resist volleying my fair share of funnies along those lines (how could I resist?), though he was more than happy to continue incorporating explicit anus references throughout rest of the night, even as far as my driveway.

At that point I gave him a loose passenger-seat-pity-hug-pat-on-back combo, 'jokingly' told him to go home and spryly hopped from the near moving vehicle.

Note to self (and you): Save anal refs for later on. You know. Like the third date... or never... or when you have explicit confirmation that your date is looking for that kind of action (i.e. when you pay for it or if you found each other on ManHunt.com).


Alright, onwards and uh, upwards.

Check out this awesome asshole! Damn it. Ha, sorry, no more anal talk.

Keeper! Pepaw's got moves and some decent taste in beats! (A thousand thaaannnkth to iZak for the heads up on this one)!


Also, take a second for Honey Badger, even though Honey Badger don't give a shit.

And, if you're still in the mood for entertainment, take a sharp left turn and check out Kingsley Division covering the old jazz standard/Ella Fitzgerald tune, Angel Eyes.

Keeper!

Or, maybe in honor of #CharlieSheenIsOutOfHisFuckingMindMonth, we'll call today's trio #Winners. #Bi-Winners to be more precise.


kbye for now.

Dear Miss Manners, Is There Such Thing As Polite Robbery?

Why yes little nugget, yes there is:

I don't feel like reiterating a story that's already widely spread across the internet, so just click here if you care to read more and we can both go on with the rest of our day.

It's Not Ok, Creeper!

Aaaand, we're back!

Sorry to hold out on you folks. I know how important a spoonful of ICK and OhMehGawd are every of couple days.

Since OkCupid provides so much fodder for our Creeper files, in honor of their $50 million dollor aquisition by Match.com yesterday, I thought we'd start off with some choice messages from our favorite OkCreepers!

Note: All messages are transcribed exactly as recieved, replete with shitty grammar and spelling!

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In general I feel somewhat bad about giving away full usernames. When you name yourself kum2day, I don't.

"Shalom ;-D broaden your horizons shy won't get your lips kissed for valentines day.......excuse me but you are beautiful. What is your take on Egypt and the monster storm were having? Globle warming???"

Keeper!

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This guy sent a very flattering message:

Subject:  "As a hindu once said: 'HOLY COW!'"

"I would LOVE to BS some time... but honestly I just wanted to tell you OMFG!!!! You are GOREGOUS... Not even like normal goregous, you are in a whole different catagory of your own! ... I mean, I'd love to talk but I just had to express my actual thoughts regardless... I can't believe you're single or online dationg... You should be floating above someone making sure they don't get hit by a car or something..."

Too bad this was his picture:

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This message was from Dr_sexuality69, a complimentary man of few words:

Subject: "your hair is really impressive"

"let's be friends"

See what he did there? The "Dr" part lends credibility, indicating that this man can be a provider. The "sexuality69" let's you know that he respects you and is looking for a profound emotional connection -- also that he can count.

Since he didn't provide a picture, I'm going to assume this is him:

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Lastly, I think I've stumbled upon a kindred spirit via http://itsnotokokcupid.tumblr.com/!

Happy hunting, Creeperinos!

Ads From a Simpler Time

And by simple I mean dumb.

 

Sorry Your New Zodic Sign Has Rendered Your Tattoo Meaningless

I'm liking the extensive coverage of how the zodiac shift has problematized astrological tattoos. That's maybe the funniest fallout, aside from the viral freak outs.

You know why tattoos are funny? Because they're permanent, and most other things aren't.

Here are some other radtats I came across:

Okay, so the last one isn't a tat. Let's call it a stencil.

If you know anyone suffering from this flavor of douchebaggery, please forward the appropriate sympathy card.

Frayser Ladies... you ARE the mothers of these 90 babies!

 

Maury Povich just came a little, and screamed like Ned Flanders over purple drapes, because he now gets to (presumably) reveal the results of 90 paternity tests. Now, I'm not saying that every pregnant Frayser High School girl will need one, but Maury could really use some good programming these days. It is the season of giving after all. Pay it forward, baby mommas!

P.S. Here's another clip of Maury losing his shit when a sad lady wearing a choker necklace reveals how big of a Creep her baby daddy is. Kinda looks like Schwarzenegger in pain from Total Recall, no? Jump to 2:35 to see what I mean.

Simmer Down, SuperFan!

Oh Cathy Ward, you're probably going to regret this. To celebrate a weight loss that allowed her to drop 14 dress sizes, the 49-year-old British memaw decided to go ahead and cover her slimmed-down skin suit with her fav forever young fantasy friends. Kudos on the £2,000, twenty-two hour neck-to-coin slot commitment, lady! That's some money and time well spent, though I'm a bit disappointed she didn't go with one of these instead. Here's hoping the franchise at least comps her a pair of tix to the latest film!

Next up for Cathy? Full sleeves and Robert Pattinson/Edward Cullen on her gut, the latter of which is contingent on her toning up a bit. I hope she incorporates the belly button effectively. Pursed lips maybe? A winking eye? Picture this, minus the bacne, plus a button:

Also, you know what would be really funny (for us)? If she gained back all of the weight so we could see what RPatz and KStew would look like with extremely bloated bodies. It'll be like a Twilight Botero!

Honk If You're Hungry

The small town of Hudson, Michigan must feel uncomfortably intimate these days (chaffingly so, if you will) for city manager Steve Hartsel. The civil servant recently admitted to on-the-job indecent exposure for jacking it while driving a city vehicle in broad daylight.

On the afternoon of December 22, 2010, a woman witnessed a man masturbating in a minivan adjacent to her while they were both stopped at a red light.

Identifying Hartsel from a lineup would have been unlikely, since his face, unlike his genitals, was partially obscured from view. As luck would have it though, the stick-shifter's City of Hudson municipal license plate was clearly visible at the rear of his shaggin' wagon as he sped off.

Wruh Wroh! Miscalculation or cry for attention?

When officials linked him to the vehicle and questioned him regarding his involvement, Hartsel initially denied the allegations, telling police that the woman must have seen a submarine sandwich in his lap.

HA! That's your alibi?! You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate a whole wheel of cheese? I'm not even mad, I'm kind of impressed.

Hartsel eventually admitted to police, “She saw what she said she saw,” apologized for his actions and swore off all future road-pleasure.

Lucky for this showboating gent, no charges have been filed as of yet, though his actions are slated for review at the next City Council meeting scheduled for January 18th. I really hope somebody YouTubes that shite!

Oh, also, Hartsel is a retired U.S. Navy commander who concluded his 21-year Navy career in 2009, so we should probably cut him some slack. Too much time around submarines, I guess.

Does He Cook?

Painting by Ginger James

Online dating is more a source of great entertainment than great relationship discovery. All you do is slap your best (photoshopped) picture up on a purposefully brief, 'intriguing' profile and voila! Men flock to flirt with you as you sit home in your pajamas without so much as brushing your teeth.  

Here's an unedited message I received the other day from a Keeper with the right approach: 

"so this is different, but would you ever have any interest in using a guy as a part time bitch sometime to do chores, errands, foot massages, mani/pedicures, or anything at all you wanted?"

Probably should have taken him up on that.

I bet he posted the same ad on Craigslist. Check out this gem while you're at it.

Verbal Vomit Experimento

I checked out a couple of this dude's other videos, and they were more annoying than funny.

This one introduces us to a novel way of fucking with strangers though, if you're a Creeper. I'm kind of surprised he didn't get punched out (or maced).

Rabble, rabble, purple monkey dishwasher.

Blonde Ambition

Ohh boy. Check out baby Madge featured in a recent Toddlers & Tiaras episode. Glad this 2-year-old's parents didn't sink to playing Like a Virgin to back up their  working girl  daughter.

The dad/seamstress reminds me of Eric Stonestreet (Cam) from Modern Family.

Lipstick On a Pig

Oh Patti, you did it again. How do you find these winners?

Robin Kassner, like  most  all people, deserves to find compatible love. Unfortunately, she's barking up the wrong tall, uninterested tree this week on The Millionaire Matchmaker. Lady's cougin' hardcore, offering up a big one-two Maserati-Ducati combo in exchange for some knowingly forced attention-affection. 

Keep those showers running people. It's about time to wash away the ICK again.

Sads. Grow up babylady! No quality person is going to say hello to that kitty the way you're acting.

The episode can also be purchased through Amazon.com via the following link: 

Hello Kitty in a One Horse Town

Mugshot Love Chillun

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, it's baby makin' time at the Gainesville city jail. As a waste of both my time and yours, I figured out what the offspring of these orange hot lovers will look like:

Kim Jong-Il Looking At Things

I once had a staring contest with Kim Jong-Il. Needless to say, I was arrested. 

Check out this website for other exhilarating stare-offs!

Perhaps he's going for Jedi Warrior, like the ones in The Men Who Stare At Goats. Is he trying to crush things with his mind-vice? Hard to say, but the evidence is mounting...

...............................................................................................................................

This post is dedicated to my friend Kathleen, since it's her birthday and she also likes to look at things!

And also, big thanks to iZak for turning me on to this Kim Jong-gem!

Sunday Secrets

I like to send relevant Postsecrets to friends and family on Sundays. This one seemed pretty appropriate for this forum.

:)

Also, I'm always happy to see someone spreading the  overconsumption  retail therapy gospel!

He's Mr. Blowup, He Pops Out Of Balls!

Fetishes run the gamut of human creativity. I don't really get this one, granted I don't "get" most of them. My expert analytical skills, however, lead me to conclude that Mr. and Mrs. Blowup are experiencing, oh let's call it, Womb Nostalgia.

Mr. Blowup naturally conjures Mr. Bucket imagery. Let's revisit. Oh, and I looked up the lyrics for greater insight (see below). I'm sure Mr. Blowup strings together some choice phrasing of his own during his alone time.

"I'm Mr. Bucket, toss your balls in my top

I'm Mr. Bucket, out of my mouth they will pop

I'm Mr. Bucket, we're all gonna run

I'm Mr. Bucket, buckets of fun!

I'm Mr. Bucket, balls pop out of my mouth

I'm Mr. Bucket, a ball is what I'm about

I'm Mr. Bucket, we're all gonna run

I'm Mr. Bucket, buckets of fun!"

Wow! Creepers!

Kudos to iZak for the tip!

Racist Pastries?

Duncan Hines had to pull this YouTube ad campaign recently. Bet you can't guess why! ...cough, throat-clear, blackface. The director, Josh Binder, generally produces some fun, surrealist inspired work, but obviously "Hip Hop Cupcakes" was a bit of a miscalculation.

Let's let Jon Stewart and Larry Wilmore weigh in:

Is Blackface Ever OK?

Actually, Binder's work is somewhat reminiscent of the animations by PES, though PES is much more consistent and creative with his use of materials.

 

While we're on the subject, here's a smattering of some other racially insensitive gems brought to us by Josh Binder and the ad industry at large:

That last dude is a total Creeper!

Oh, and this one, while not racist, isn't for the squeamish:

Epic Spill - by Josh Binder

The Millionaire Matchmaker Goes American Psycho!

 

Seriously? The shifty eyes, the leering, the uncomfortable touching/questioning/body positioning/coercion...

Q-Tip is like the love child of Patrick Bateman and Uncle Fester. These guys are out of control Creepers!!

You must watch, but make sure to keep a bar of soap nearby to wash off the ICK!

You can also purchase the episode through Amazon.com via the link below:

$10,000 Hand Jobs

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